Managing a Healthy Separation For the Kids

A separation is never easy, especially with children involved. By following these guidelines, the emotional well being of everyone will be better preserved.

Establishing Boundaries

In order for the children to feel safe and comfortable, the parents also have to feel safe and comfortable. Kids are highly perceptive and sensitive; parental tension will not go unnoticed. Be clear communicating what your boundaries need to be; listen to your ex about his or her boundary needs, and do your best to reach an agreement and stick to it. If one person is struggling to respect the boundaries, allow trusted friends or relatives to [temporarily] assist with situations such as exchanging the children or collecting personal belongings. (Note: everyone's safety has to be the top priority. Seek professional assistance if needed.)

Frequently Re-Evaluate

The plan you make the first couple of months apart might not work for the following months as things progress. After emotions cool down and the initial separation period begins, you will likely need to make some adjustments. This is because living situations may not yet be in place, visitation might be up in the air, and often adult-level negotiations are not yet possible. As the situation evolves, so should your communication, schedule of visits, and financial planning. If you and your former partner cannot yet accomplish this alone, utilize a family counselor to moderate and keep discussions in a healthy space.

Be Honest With Your Kids

This does not mean speaking negatively about the other parent or providing too many intimate details. It means you can keep it real and be open about what is challenging, or how you feel, or what you are doing to make the situation healthy and positive. It's okay for your kids to see you cry, to see you angry, and to see you frustrated. But here is the key: they also need to see how you deal properly with those emotions. Your kids need to see that you are human, that you struggle too, and that you respond to it by taking the higher road, making a plan, and communicating with active listening and maturity.

Fight Privately

Did I yell at my ex? Yes, yes I did. And I am definitely not a yeller. I even threw in a few choice adjectives which I won't post here. But I didn't do it in front of the kids. I saved the breaking point for a conversation over the phone while I was parked safely in my car and away from everyone. I'm not saying it's easy to always contain it all in front of them; I'm saying it's possible and necessary for your kids' health. Be aware of your triggers and when your buttons are being pushed to code orange status. If the kids are present on either end of the call, politely and quickly end the conversation for a time you can speak privately. If things are too strained to have productive conversations, switch to texting or emailing until things improve.

Establish a Schedule

It's too hard for kids (and parents) to go day by day or even week by week without a set schedule. It doesn't have to be permanent. Initially if possible, arrange for each parent to see the kids every few days. Going a full week if you are used to seeing them every day can trigger major anxiety and depression. After everyone adjusts or as kids age, etc., this can be extended, but initially it can be really difficult. Keep in mind the homework schedule depending on needs and come up with something that works for everyone. Be open to revising it if it's not working out as well as you planned.

Keep up Good Habits

Did you eat as a family at the table for dinner? How about movie night, or a favorite show? What about prayers before bedtime? It is really easy to lose sight of these during stressful times, but keeping up good habits and even introducing a few new ones, can be really stabilizing for kids. Examples include after school activities and homework time, delegating chores, evening bath and meal routines, and whatever you do as a family that helps keep you connected to your kids.

Include Kids With Decisions

This doesn't mean they make major decisions or that you can't veto as a parent; you 100% can and should when needed. But initiating family meetings that allow them to express emotions, problem solve, and participate in a decision making process can be really beneficial to their mental health. I recommend presenting them with three options you approve of that they can discuss or vote on. Another option is to present the situation but within that allowing some contribution, such as, "right now time has to split between each place, but what are your thoughts on a possible schedule," or, "here are two potential living places I found, which do you prefer?" A basic decision making process can be very helpful and adjusted for kids to use along with you.

Bump up the Love

Kids will need a lot of support, positive reinforcement, patience, and extra reassurance during a separation. Try to remain calm and not take it personally when they act out; it is often the only way they know to communicate their own inner stress and turmoil. Active listening, making extra time to just hang out, and being sure to communicate your love to them will go a long way toward their mental health, even if they do not seem receptive at the time.

Take Care of You

A parent who is in crisis will struggle to stay both mentally and physically strong for their kids. A self care plan needs to be established immediately so that your sanity and well being is protected. Check in on the post about signs you might need self care to evaluate how you're doing. Do the things that help you to have peace, release tension, and foster positive thought patterns and hope. When your energy is restored, even briefly, it will reflect with your interactions with the kids and how you handle things in general. Try to fit in little self-care moments throughout each day so that you don't reach complete burn out. If you have already reached burn out, begin with little steps and as much self care as you can to promote the healing process.

Our community is here for you, so feel free to post comments and seek support. For those of you with experience in this area, I welcome any encouraging and positive wisdom you can share with others.

Love and blessings,

Dax