Co-habitating with anyone brings multiple challenges. For this reason I worked extra jobs in college so that I could afford a tiny, otherwise unwanted studio, all to myself. It was quiet, and tidy, and minimalist. Fast forward about 25 years, two boys, a dog, and a pandemic....let's just say polar opposites and leave it at that.
When lockdown hit, my 91 year old grandmother needed somewhere to go that was safe for her. Not just safe from Covid-19, but safe in that she wouldn't be left alone, safe and easy to navigate with a walker, and safe with someone to make sure the stove got shut off. My place was a perfect choice because all of my classes switched to online, as did the boys' schooling. We would all be home, all the time.
The glory of the elderly is their insight to life. -Lailah Gifty Akita
So, to make room for Grams, my 10 year old gave up his room. We had lost our home (and basically our whole town) in a California wildfire of epic proportions a couple of years before. For almost one year after the fire, we rented a room with a queen sized
bed from a retired art professor. My son saw how that saved us from having to leave the area. It had been our only glimmer of hope after losing everything we owned. He said, "someone did it for me, so I will do it for her." I pretty much ugly cried over that, but they were happy, proud tears. He moved a mattress into my room and set up some coffee tables for a desk, and Grams had his room to move into.
In addition, my mom would come in and stay on the couch to help all of us, and suddenly my house felt a whole lot smaller, and a lot more challenging. My mom is
the oldest sibling and was used to being in charge pretty much from birth. This is not always a good thing in my humble opinion. And of course, as my parent, there is that dynamic that she knows best. It matters not that I am in my forties. Our house rules, such as no treats for the dog from the table, were repeatedly ignored. I'm a Virgo, and this stuff literally makes my eye twitch. At one point, my eye twitched for 7 consecutive days. Seven days!
Okay, enough of the backstory. How did we get through it? Here are 10 ideas that worked for us, and I truly hope some of these work for you as well.
Make little spaces and spread people out. I set up one kid in the dining room with his laptop to do math online which he loves. The other one in his room with legos. My room has been transformed into a raquet ball court with paddles and foam balls. The boys destroy them and it's super loud and awesome. We make forts in whatever spaces we can and then the kids can go in there and read or watch videos with popcorn. There are multiple places both inside and out to sit and eat or set up a laptop or read.
Let the older generations share their wisdom. Let your kids see the value in what others have experienced and how to respect it. Grams taught me how to make sourdough bread, and crochet, and to keep canned milk and tomatoes in the pantry for emergencies. We had dinner at the table without electronics. She never got mad at the boys but instead covered her mouth as she giggled at their antics. She would always speak kindly to them and offer suggestions of how they might look at something in a new way, or she would give us our space and not say anything. I learned a lot about grace from her.
Discuss conflict calmly and with compassion. Most people aren't trying to be irritating on purpose. My mom is truly wonderful even if we butt heads. I like to include my kids in some of these discussions so that they can learn what mature conversations should sound like. At any point the conversation takes a turn for the worse, I pause it until the adults can speak in private to hash it out. Don't let these talks become personal attacks, ever.
When you feel overhwhelmed, go outside and slooooowly pull weeds (or even better just pretend to) because guess what if you want some space then no one's going to bother you with that happening. Fake "cleaning" or "organizing" the garage or your car. Announce your chore loudly and they will scatter away from you. Take out a book or some music. It's a brilliant tactic.
Have shared quiet time throughout the house. Electronics (with headphones) are fine but do try to schedule in some reading time for everyone. Sometimes you just need the noise and racket to settle down. We have quiet hour and everyone knows what that means.
Take turns or work together in the kitchen. I give everyone the list of options and they pick their tasks. My oldest puts on music and it makes everything feel more fun. I pace it so that Grams can help prep one thing and I just alot way more time for that to occur, but it's important that everyone contributes based on their abilities.
Respect the house rules. Even if you are the parent, or grandparent, of adult children. Even if you are sure your way is better. Their house, ultimately their rules. They get to choose how to train their dog (and kids).
Focus on the positive side, such as bonding time and what you can be doing for others in your family.
Make an "appointment" for your mental health and go by yorself to a park, local nursery, or anywhere that restores your soul even if it's only for an hour.
Keep key routines. Despite the insanity of our days here, every night the boys and I hang out on my bed and talk or argue and then we pray.
I know it can be really stressful living with loved ones, and I know it can be especially crazy balancing multiple generations in a shared space. But you can do it, and if you make a conscious effort to preserve your sanity along the way, you will open yourself up to the blessings it can bring your family.
Love,
Dax
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